Dear Woman Who Called My Existence Brave,

Heeey, it’s me. The woman who came to the spa to enjoy some rest and relaxation. The one with the pink hair. When I went to touch up my roots recently, I decided to add a dash of color to my usual coppery tone. “I want something fun, something summery,” I told my stylist. She gave me a fuchsia fade and I adore every strand. Pink isn’t my favorite color, but I loved the little change to my regular routine. Plus, if I’m being honest, it felt like a subtle nod and eff-you to all those people who used to say I would never get a job with tattoos and “unnaturally colored” hair. I’m thriving, thanks!

So there I was, sitting with my sister, waiting in our weighted robes, ready to relax and unwind. It wasn’t our first trip to this spa, a place I mostly enjoy; the dim lighting, the steam room, the bizarrely tiny yet delicious cups of granola they give you on the way out. I shook my hair out of my high ponytail into a more manageable messy bun while my sister held a piece, twirling it and admiring the color. And then you looked at me and said: “Oh, wow. You’re so brave.”

I’m honestly not even entirely sure what you thought was so brave. Was it the pink tips? Was it the fact that my robe wasn’t wrapped super tightly, revealing the shape of my plus-size body? Normally, I wouldn’t take the time or energy to drop you a note calling this out, but I need you to know how wrong it was to make that comment.

Don’t you dare call me brave for choosing to have pink tips. I know it’s shocking, and apparently annoying to you, that I choose to show up as myself, but is it really necessary to be so condescending? Just like when a rando congratulates a plus-size person going to the gym — you’re fooling absolutely no one by making that snide remark. Why do you do it? Is it because you feel like you’re better than they are, or is it because you’re feeling insecure about something, and it takes the edge off to make someone else feel the same way?

Remember what your momma said: If you can’t say anything nice, just don’t say anything at all. Making a unique, expressive fashion choice isn’t brave, and it isn’t hurting anyone, so why do you feel the need to make a patronizing comment about it?

You’re not the only person who’s made a remark. A few people I knew gave me that knowing look of disapproval but didn’t say much. Complete and total strangers, on the other hand, have had a lot to say. The lovely little jabs ranged all over the board from subtle to — well, not even a little: “Well, that’s a choice.” “People will definitely see you coming.”

None of this is new to me. I’m a woman who’s lived her entire life making choices about how I dress my body and express myself that society shakes its head at. Like when I dared to go to the beach in a two-piece bathing suit for the first time in my life, or when I chose to wear a crop top out in public to run errands at the store because it was 97 degrees and I was hot! It shouldn’t be such a shock to see people wearing clothing that they’re comfortable in. Growing up, I heard the comment time and time again, “Just because they make it in your size doesn’t mean you should wear it.” It took me a long time to shake that way of thinking, but I did.

I guess maybe you haven’t, yet. Maybe it made you feel better because you were shamed into not expressing yourself, and you want me to feel the same way? If so, I get it — I feel it. It isn’t easy being a woman in this world. Maybe it was your mother who made you feel like the only way to get through life was to take up as little space as possible and never step outside the lines polite society drew for you. Maybe it was somebody else. If so, I’m sorry.

So perhaps this letter isn’t just for you. This is a note to all the haters: For f*cks sake, can’t you just let women live? Who is it hurting when women of a certain age (wtf does that even mean?!) do something outrageous, like styling their hair in a way that’s fun? Why is it so offensive when we dress a certain way or have tattoos in certain places, or choose to go bra-free—that random strangers take the time to put us down?

Instead, let’s focus our energy on making a more inclusive, supportive, badass community of women. Let’s think about how we can make a better future for our daughters.

Sincerely, A Pink-Haired Rebel who will never stop living her life out loud.

Holly Garcia writes about parenting, mental health, and all the lifestyle things. She hails from the Midwest, where she’s raising her daughters and drinking copious amounts of coffee.